Why Anders Didn't Just Get Another Kitten
by LunaCangiante
Summary: Total silliness fiction. But the title explains it all.


Greetings all, so my grammar is about to take an enormous fall for this, because I do not seem to have Microsoft Word anymore, and yes I fallback on spellcheck when in doubt. So I would like to appologize in advance for any mistakes I make and all that jazz. If you're wondering where this idea came from, actually my friend (unforgiveablecursecaster read her stuff it's amazing) suggested this idea and I sort of loved it. It's really just a bunch of silliness that makes me happy. Without further ado I give you the story MOVING ON...

Disclaimer: This idea wasn't really even mine, so I'm not going to stand here and say "oh yeah I created it" because I'm not a jerk like that. The characters, right down to Hawke just customized by me, belong to BioWare (unless Anders would like to just come to life and be mine... Or Adam Howden I'm good either way). No money was made off this story, an so on and so forth.

_**Why Anders Didn't Just Get Another Kitten...**_

To say that Anders was having a bad day would be an understatement; he'd lied to his lover, Marian and now she was mad at him, a child he was healing vomited all over his favorite robes, and now he found himself be lead around by the wrist with Merrill to a market vendow to see about a new kitten. Granted it was nice of Merrill to be thinking about him, especially when he seemed extra grumpy, Anders just wanted to close the clinic and sulk for the rest of the night.

Unfortunately no such luck.

Merrill was all smiles and bubbles, chatting his ear off about the wonders of the Alienage and comparing the elves there to the ones in the Dalish Clans. Anders didn't say much, finding it safer to confirm he was listening by short grunts in between sentences. Finally they arrived at the stall, and there they were. Six tiny kittens in a box, each one looking up at Anders with pitiful eyes. Their mews made their way to his ears and even Anders couldn't help but feel a little bit better. He knelt down to the box and carefully inspected all the kittens. Tabbies, tabbies, a whole box of tabby kittens for the taking. Grey ones, brown ones, even a white tabby cat looked up at him with enormous eyes. Though his heart melted at everyone, there was one color he found missing.

An orange and white tabby like Ser Pounce A Lot.

He hadn't set his heart on finding a replacement for his greatest friend. But something to remember him by would have been nice.

"Oh Anders," Chimed the perky tone of Merrill behind him. "Aren't they adorable, I think I'm going to take one home to get rid of the mice. I think they're beginning to realize I don't really have a cat. And that's just me meowing." Anders nodded but didn't say anything, the forelorn look on his face said enough. "Oh, it's not like Ser Pounce A Lot is it?"

He sighed and shook his head, no it's not like Ser Pounce A Lot, and as far as he was concerned none of them would ever be.

"Well maybe I could make one look like him for you," her hands went up as she prepared to cast a spell.

Anders' eyes widened, Merrill cast a spell in the middle of the market? That would be bad! Really really bad, and not only for herself, but for the innocent kittens which would be condemned for being tainted by a mage. "Merrill NO," he grasped her hands but it was too late, the spell was cast. Anders closed his eyes and waited for the mass panic to start and the Templar's to come down on their heads. Crap.

"Huh," said the stall vendor scratching his balding head. "I've never seen a purple tabby cat before." Puzzled, Anders peeked one eye open and saw just that. A purple tabby cat meowing just as confused as Anders was.

"Oh dear, I don't think I got any of them the right color," Merrill hung her head in defeat. Anders took the time to examine the kittens again, and she incorrect. They were purple, pink, green, two kittens had turned blue. But in the corner he saw the kitten he had been looking for, a tiny orange and white tabby huddled against the box. Anders' heart felt like dancing, sure he hadn't accomplished mage freedom, but he now found his small feline friend, at least it was something to look forward too.

Or so he thought.

As he reached out to pick up his newest companion the kitten, quite visciously, chomped down on his finger and refused to let go until the calloused finger it had bitten had drawn blood. When the kitten felt satisfied with Anders' offering, it grew.

Now when the narrator- yours truly- says the kitten grew, I don't mean it grew to be the size of an adult cat about up to your ankles. I mean big, tall, standing on it's hind legs with it's long razor like claws ready for action. It swiped at Anders, who cried out in pain as a large gash split his arm, and made a dash at Merrill who was fighting off its brothers and sisters in deadly mage combat. The leader of the pack, Anders' pick of the litter had spoken. "Merrill," it's voice a low baritone growl. "You have freed us from our otherworldly prison to control this one. In return, yours shall be a quick death." The kitten lunged at Merrill but Anders had jumped out in front of it, eyes burning in Justice rage-

"Uncle Varric are you suggesting that the reason daddy didn't own a kitten is because of Merrill's blood magic," the blonde boy interrupted. Varric chuckled and took another puff out of his pipe.

"Well kiddo," explained Varric. "Sometimes strange occurances happened in Kirkwall. It's part of the reason we don't live there anymore."

"I thought the reason we don't live there anymore is because daddy made the Chantry mad," the young boy interrupted.

"That's some of the reason," nodded Varric. "But the reason your dad didn't tell you this part is because it would unman him."

"And what exactly are you telling my son that would unman me Varric," they spun around to see Anders leaning on the door frame with his arms folded. The younger of the two stood up and raced to his father's arms.

"Is it true that the real reason you left Kirkwall is because of viscious kittens daddy," the wide eyed five year old inquired. Anders glared down in Varric's direction, the dwarf simply shrugged.

"No Mattius," Anders answered. He should have known better than to leave him alone with Varric all day. "One day your mother and I will tell you the real reason we left Kirkwall. For now, please stop trying to get Uncle Varric to tell you. Please?" Mattius nodded in agreement. Anders gave his son an approving nod, before sending him off to his mother. "Kittens this time? Really Varric?"

"What? The kid seemed interested in it," Varric tried to look as innocent as possible, but Anders was not buying it. "He wont stop asking me about it, I thought if I could find one that would hold his attention for a while, maybe he'd stop."

"That's all fine and well," the corner of Anders mouth turned upward. "But kittens? Do you know how hard it's going to be to get a new kitten if you tell him stories like that?"

"Well I couldn't say you were looking for a Mabari. He wouldn't believe that."

"How did you-? You know what, I don't even want to know," Anders quickly turned around after his son.

"Where are you going in such a hurry blondie," Varric tried to keep up.

"Mattius thinks I was ran out of town by the Chantry and kittens," Anders rubbed his face in exasperation. "I need to make sure the whole underground does not hear that I was run out of Kirkwall by kittens."

"I suppose that's bad for the whole 'Rebel Mage Revolutionary Leader'."

"Horrible!"

"Then I suggest we try to move faster than your son."

Suddenly the sound of endless laughter filled their home. Anders smacked his palm against his forehead.

He was going to kill Varric.

-FIN-

A/N: Could you tell I was struggling with that ending? Because I was. Anywho, I know it's definitely not that good, but I don't think it was ever meant to be that good. Kind of like the rest of my silly stories. Well you know the drill, Read, Review, and Remember: I love you!)


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